Mr. Mitchum maintains a busy schedule. A full-time student/full-time worker, Mitchum also puts in time with the Kansan, a daily college paper, and KUJH-TV news, obviously the college tv station.
Like so many busy people, Mitchum often eats in his car during his daily commutes to Lawrence, which often last as long as 35 minutes. The obvious choice for interhighway driver consumption is the burger and fries. Each come packaged in wrappers that lend well to holding the burger and eating while safely driving 80 mph.
But on a pleasant sunny day, things went awry on Mitchum’s daily drive. Pulling into the DeSoto McDonald’s, Mitchum never imagined generousity would destroy his day.
“When you order the fish, you just expect McDonalds to skimp on the tartar sauce,” Mitchum said. “When I took that first bite, a veritable flood of the hot white sauce landed right on my shorts!”
The National Association on Drive Safety, or NADS, estimates more than 1.3 million Americans suffer some condiment overflow from fast-food restaraunts failing to maintain their normally low condiment disbursement levels.
NADS gained its credibility in early 1999 when it tried to lobby against sliding pickle discs saving untold numbers of Americans from the half-bitten sliding pickle incidents that often leave mustard and ketchup stains.
“We need to get NADS up in the face of these rogue McDonalds!” Mitchum said.
While the manager of the Desoto McDonalds refused to comment for this story, a public spokesperson said McDonalds maintains the highest standards of mundaness in the food construction.
“We have pictures and graphs in multiple languages that explicitly detail how we manage to never put enough condiments on any sandwhich,” the spokesperson said. “We certainly can’t be responsible for every clown operating a ketchup gun in our kitchen.”
For Mitchum, the response isn’t surprising.
“That dude with the red afro said that? Like any company with a cartoon Napolean Dynamite is ever going to make a good product. I don’t want it good, I want it consistent and I thought they understood that.”
McDonalds offered Mitchum an identical pair of shorts to replace the cremed versions, only they were too small. Apparentlly, Mitchum forgot to supersize his order.
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