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When I first found out I was going to be a father, I honestly thought I’d be formulating blog posts only slightly slower then my mind was racing them out.

I don’t know about building any nest, but repairing one has become consuming. Luckily, a bit of news here and there makes it all worth the while.

Of all the things taught at the William Allen White School of Journalism at KU, the one I constantly was sickened by was the inverted pyramid. The idea is that you give the biggest newest news first and then trail off in the details from most relevant to less relevant until an editor lops off the rest for column neatness in the final print.

Having said that, I’ll skip all the back story and jump right to the point of this particular post.

Kerry and I found out we’re having a boy!

The first sonogram was an exciting moment, and it is intensified by the second. So much has developed since that first picture. The peanut shaped ball of cells with a bit of tissues acting like a heart has formed and grown to a size my sister, Melody, likened to a can of soda.

While conveniently close to soda size (11 oz), the list of features we observed were several orders of magnitude more awesome. We observed the clear construction of arms, legs, abdomen and thorax. We saw a once fluttery speckle of tissue called the heart, except this time we could make out all four chambers and their walls as they pumped fetal blood.

It wasn’t long before the sonographer noticed the depth of anatomy I could describe. It seemed to give her an excuse to show off what she could do as well.

She took us through brain structures one by one. We saw the cerebellum at the base of the brain clearly formed. Keeping up with our active boy, she found the thalamus shortly after, right in the center base of the brain where it should be. The fluid ventricles of the brain were darkened against the developing neural tissues that will eventually separate into white and grey matter.

She showed us the eyes, their black viscous fluid clearly contrasting against the hardening skull plates. From a profile view, we saw our boy open and close his mouth. He clearly demonstrated a sucking reflex several times.

His hands were amazing.

One was positioned to the back of his head just grazing above his forming ears and the other slightly in front of the face, as if self-discovering.

His legs twitched and kicked ever so often, only enhancing the one vital point I’m making in dry observation fashion.
The greatest moment wasn’t any one of these features. In fact, it’s a greatest moment still developing as we speak. The greatest moment that became more tangible through this technology is that we have created a new life.

When the sonographer asked if we knew what that was, we were both too scared to guess ‘boy’. It seemed fairly obvious, but who wants to get caught not knowing their own child at such an early stage?

The sonographer typed ‘BOY’ on the screen to match her words. Kerry and I seemed to inhale in a gush at the same time. I looked away from the monitor towards the largest smile I had seen since Kerry told me she was pregnant.

We have a healthy baby boy on the way. I think we both felt our fortune at the same time.

So, as far as I can tell, pregnancy is a mix of the most exciting joy you’ve ever felt, transitioned by periods of unexpected denial where the day to day things keep going by, and then moments of sheer unadulterated terror.

I might as well have been told that I’ve been given the power to run the whole world. Great… I get all the good parking and any toy I want, but if it all goes to hell… that’s my fault, too.

I’d put good money that a great deal of people who successfully quite smoking start again during a pregnancy. It goes good with nerve racking concern over the safety and well-being of momma and child.

At least, for now, when I have my nightmares over Kerry and child going through some scenario where I have no control over their safety but I’m only inches away, that child will be a boy. Somehow, despite the disquieting dream’s attempt at terrifying me, I’ll wake up wondering how close my mental image of that boy will be to the inevitable miracle around the corner.

In that way, the cycle of fears and elation circles around once again, and the moment of worst concern blends seamlessly into the next set of slides my imagination has carefully prepared, which I can only hope to be the future.